Three full night shifts in a 4 day basis took me longer than I thought to get back into my normal patterns.
Friday I got sick and have been feeling pretty miserable after the fact.
But this isn't designed to be a place where I make excuses.
I still didn't get enough work done this week. I cast the film, which if I stay with this current line of casting, will cause me to push shooting back to June.
It's only a month, yet I don't know how healthy it is for me to allow myself to continue pushing things back without having any to show for my work.
This cataloging of my time has been incredibly useful to get me writing pretty much every day.
This week being the one exception, but producing the content is another thing entirely, and it's something I'm not getting done as quickly as I'd like.
This was a 4 day stretch of not needing to go and do anything structured, while sick and miserable, only working on my own, or not, home-alone.
This is NOT a good formula for my mental health, and can't allow this kind of thing to be happen too regularly.
It lends me the feeling of treading water, which I don't want to be doing.
I really hope I'm not kidding myself with my pursuits of film making.
When people are self-motivating themselves, be it trying to be more productive like myself or trying to get fit, you set your goals and if you fail to meet them, you feel guilty.
You feel you've done the wrong thing and it feels good to admit that you've done wrong and ask for forgiveness because "The Diet Starts Tomorrow".
Ultimately I've been lazy this week, can't blame other factors too much.
It's really only on me if I don't meet these goals.
What happens really if I fail to produce anything soon is I can't call myself a filmmaker.
That's the basics of the situation, I think.
A friend of mine suggested I'm putting too much pressure on myself and should seek a producer to help produce this film. I'm biting off more than I can chew and stacking the cards against myself.
This is likely true, but on the other hand, despite the fact I think the script I have is pretty sharp and interesting, and even funny, I don't think anyone I know would really want to take this on as their baby and help champion it.
Generally I think my ideas are good. You kinda have to have some belief in yourself with this kind of thing, but it is hard trying to hold onto that self-belief at times when you're entirely in a vacuum.
On the bright side, at the moment for this one, I've found a willing main cast, the key roles of a crew willing to help, and two ideas of locations that should be relatively simple to negotiate. We shoot in early June.
Need to wrangle a bunch of extras but I think realistically it should be achievable for myself to put together on my own.
Just need to keep it together in April.
I'll likely be feeling a bit more positive when I'm able to be more active and stop being fucking sick.